American Resolution/Transcript
Karen Pelly: OK, our resolutions have to be hard resolutions. Hank Yarbo: I resolve to work a little less hard next year. What? It's got the word hard in there. Karen: Hard to stick to. Hank: OK, fine. I'm not gonna buy or read comics. Hard enough for you? Wanda Dollard: I'm giving up licorice. Karen: I'm gonna run every day. Every single day. Hank: A bit much. All you had to do was beat licorice. Brent Leroy: What's your resolution this year? Lacey Burrows: I'm gonna give up chewing gum. Hank: What? Wanda: Gratuitous mastication. Brent: Hey, watch the language. Lacey: What's you resolution, quick? Brent: I'm gonna give up chili cheese dogs. Lacey: Wow, that is impressive. Brent: Well, it's time I made some changes in my life. All: Three, two, one, Happy New Year! Brent: Ah, damn it. I forgot about the chili dog thing. Oh well, next year. Brent: So, is Captain America alive or dead? I can't keep up. Hank: I don't know. Brent: Oh that's right, the Scrulls came and replaced everybody. Hank: Don't! Wanda: That counts. You telling him what happens counts as reading. I win! Hank: As if. Brent: You guys still doing this resolution thing? That's been going on for six months now. Is that why the licorice is up there? Wanda: It's harder to reach up there. Brent: Resolution or no resolution, let's keep that out, OK? Wanda: Sure. Licorice: Eat me, Wanda. Wanda: Shh, patience. Lacey: Are you still running? Why don't you take a day off? Karen: I can't. Lacey: It just seems nuts to bang up your body this way. Karen: Hey, Hank! Did a run today already and I think I'm ready for another one. By the way, I heard there's some good stuff going on in Captain America. Too bad you can't read about it. Anyway, see ya. Hank: Oh yeah? Well, I'm outta shape and I love it! Lacey: Wow, you really told her. Hank: Yeah, I'd love to be her. Jogging's easy, I should have given up jogging everyday. Lacey: She didn't give it up, she is jogging everyday. Hank: Yeah, well... Lacey: So, who's left in this resolution game? Hank: Me, Wanda and Karen. I guess you could call us the triple trio of will power. Lacey: So, there's nine of you? Hank: Wanda's a tough nut. I don't know if I can out last her. Lacey: Why don't you team up with Wanda? She wouldn't mind tying with you. Hank: Yeah, tying Wanda would be cool. Lacey: Talk to her then. You guys could scheme against Karen and I could help. I am a great schemer. Hank: No, you're not. Karen: Looks like I'm gonna have to make another pot. You gonna have some? Davis: Well, if you're making some. Brent: Hey. Oscar Leroy: You know who works at the passport office? Emma Leroy: Let me give you a hint. It starts with a "J." Passport Official (Bill Jackaus): I'm sorry Mr. Leroy. You were out of the country when you turned 24 and by law, you've given up your Canadian citizenship. Oscar: Jackass! Bill Jackaus: Jackaus actually. Emma: Where were you when you turned 24? Oscar: I was fishing in Minnesota. Brent: Oh, so technically you're an American. Emma: That explains a lot. You do tend to fly off the handle a bit. Oscar: I'm not an American! I'm Canadian! Emma: And you have a lot of loud opinions, not based on fact. Oscar: They're not opinions if they're right. Emma: You think that you should be allowed to carry a gun? Oscar: Just for skateboarders. Emma: I think you should keep a low profile. I'd hate to see you deported. Well, maybe not hate, but... Brent: And it wouldn't hurt you to start acting a little more Canadian. Here, read this. Oscar: "Captain Canuck." I'm not reading a comic book. Brent: There's that American aggression again. Oscar: Oh. Emma: See, you go a little too far. Brent: We'll see. Licorice: Wanda. Wanda. Wanda: I can't hear you, you can't really talk. You're just a piece of candy. Licorice: A delicious piece of candy. Why won't you eat me? I'm so tasty and stringy. Wanda: Don't you think I want to? Hank: We need to talk. Wanda: No, I was not. I mean, what? Hank: You and I need to team up. I don't want to lose this resolution thing and I do not want to lose to Karen. Wanda: I don't want to lose to either of you. Hank: Right, but what about tying me? Licorice: That's not a bad idea. Beat Karen, tie Hank and then eat me. Wanda: You smell so good. Hank: Thank you. Brent: Hey, Davis. Davis: Hey, coffee? Brent: Ah, sure. Davis: Here. Brent: Can I have some too? Davis: Wait a sec. So, what can I do for you? Emma: We need your help. Brent: It's about my Dad. Davis: I thought this day would come. All you have to do is sign these papers and he'll be committed. Brent: We just want to play a joke on him. Davis: Oh. Emma: You had the papers already drawn up? Davis: I was kidding. Emma: They looked official. Ah, Karen. While you're up, could you get Brent a coffee? Karen: Uh, guess I'll have to make more. Davis: Guess so. So, what do you need me to do? Hank: OK, here's what we do. We get a crowbar... Wanda: That was my first thought too. But, I like Karen and somehow breaking her knees just feels wrong. Hank: I was gonna say we break in her locker and steal her shoes. Wanda: Oh, that won't work either. She'll just get another pair. Lacey: Uh-uh. Hank may be on to something here. Karen wears a special orthotic shoes. Wanda: This job's for professionals and Hank. Hank: Yeah. Lacey: I am pretty good at scheming. Hank and Wanda: Ha, ha, ha. Lacey: So, I can help? Wanda: The laughing meant "no." What if we steal Karen's shoes? Oscar: I was doing 60. The speed limit's 90. Davis: You were doing 60 miles an hour. Which in metric is 100 kilometres an hour. We Canadians use metric. You are Canadian, right? Oscar: They're onto me. The cops are onto me. Emma: Oh my God. Brent: You need to start acting more Canadian. Emma: And don't question authority, that's American. Canadians defer to authority. And always say you're sorry. Oscar: But I'm never sorry. Brent: You don't have to actually be sorry, just say you're sorry. It's the Canadian way. Oscar: You're a jackass. Emma: And that jackass thing, it does come across as a bit American. Oscar: Jack-arse? Brent: Jack-bum. Wanda: Listen Karen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier, that's why I called you here. How's that? Licorice: Good Wanda, good. Soon, you can eat me. here she comes, show time. Karen: What's up? Wanda: Oh hey, I just wanted to see how you were doing. Karen: That's it? You called 911 to see how I was doing? Wanda: That's not your home number? Licorice: Real smooth. Wanda: Shut up. Karen: Real nice. Hank: Hey, Davis. Do you know where Karen's locker is? Davis: This isn't what it looks like. Hank: This isn't what it looks like. Davis: That's not a crowbar? Hank: OK, it does look like that. What does yours look like? Davis: Like I'm having some coffee but leaving just enough so that Karen will have to make the coffee. Hank: I never would have got that. So, can you help me break into Karen's locker and steal her shoes? Davis: Oh yeah, sure. But you're not going to say anything about the coffee? Hank: No. Davis: I got a key if you want. Hank: No. Lacey: Here you go. Oh, sorry Oscar. Did you want those scrambled? Oscar: Yes I wanted them scrambled, I always have them scrambled. Get your head outta your... Brent: Dad. Oscar: Oh, you know, forget it. I'll them like this. Sorry to make such a fuss. Real sorry. Lacey: What was that about? Brent: I'm tricking Dad into thinking he's American. Lacey: Oh, a scheme! Can I help? Brent: Sorry, this scheme's important. You can help me when I'm doing a scheme that doesn't matter if it works or not. Wanda: You got the shoes? Hank: Oh, yeah. Wanda: Nice. Now all we have to do is wait for Karen not to run for a day. Give them here, I'll hide the evidence. Hank: The orthotics worked really well. Wanda: You're wearing the evidence, take them off. Hank: I can't, I sold the other ones. Wanda: You are a mental case. Will you shut up for two minutes? We're talking here. Karen: Have you seen my shoes? And why has the door to my locker been busted open? Davis: Well, why don't we have some coffee and we'll think about it? Karen: Coffee now? I have to run. Davis: This is no time to think about running. Let's just collect ourselves, have a cup of coffee... Karen: I'm starting to think I'm the only one making coffee. Davis: This is no time to think about coffee, there's a shoe thief on the loose. And you have to run. Lacey: Hey, you wanna know something? I reheated yesterday's gravy and used it today. It's kind of a scheme. Wanda: Pretty clever. Can I cancel my order? Lacey: Look, from one schemer to another, I saw Karen earlier and she was limping. I'm just saying I don't think you need to team up with Hank. Wanda: Did anyone lose a pink pair of shoes? Davis? Karen: My shoes! Wanda: Hank took them while you were at Corner Gas with me. Karen: So, when you called my over, that was a diversion? Wanda: While not admitting guilt, I do feel somewhat responsible. Karen: Davis, did you see anything? Davis: I don't recall. Wanda: I thought Hank said that you'd help him steal the shoes if he didn't tell Karen that you don't make coffee. Oh, or was that your own scheme? Oscar: Why do we have to rehearse? Brent: Because you're still acting like an American. Oscar: I am not! Emma: This has gone far enough. Now Brent, leave him alone. Now, I'm gonna go home and make some supper while you watch the baseball game. Then I'm gonna make you an apple pie for dessert. Oscar: Thanks, Emma. Emma: Oh, Oscar. That was a test. Baseball, apple pie, who likes those things? Oscar: Fat people, that's who. I, I'm not an American. Brent: I thought you were bailing on me. Emma: I'm not, just don't take it too far. Brent: Hey Lacey, could I get a soda over here? Oscar: A soda, what's that? Brent: You know, a soda. Oscar: I think you mean a pop. You must have been in the States because here in Canada, we call it "pop." Lacey: You could have given me the heads up that the scheme was gonna happen here. Brent: We wanted it to seem real and nature. Lacey: But I didn't even know what the plan was. Brent: So, you were real and natural. Anyway, I'm off to the restroom. The restroom. Oscar: Right, oh right. Brent, here in Canada we don't call them "restrooms", we call them "washrooms." Isn't that right everybody? Our lawyers wear robes in court. Wanda: Just think Hank, in a few more hours I can eat this licorice and you can read this comic book. Oh, gotta go. Can you watch the cash? Hank: Sure. Wanda: Thanks. Oscar: Don't touch my Canadian handbook! Hank: I wasn't reading it. I was just looking at the stapler. I mean phone. Hank (phone): Hello. Karen (phone): Give the phone to Oscar. Hank: It's for you. Karen (phone): Put the comic down. Oscar (phone): Am I being watched? I'm not an American. Brent: Hey, Yankee Doodle. I was talking to a friend of mine over at the Canada Council. Oscar: What's that? Brent: A friend is someone you like that you spend time with. Oscar: No, what's the Canada Council? Brent: Oh, oh, that's a council, of Canada. You know, all things Canadian get counselled there. Oscar: Oh. Brent: Anyway, he was talking to someone at the NFB, that's the National Film Board, and he said cases like yours are decided by the CRTC. Oscar: I've heard of them, they do hearings. Brent: Anyways, he said there's a way out. Actually, he said there's a way in. He said if you do something really Canadian, even the CRTC can't mess with you. You're gonna sing the national anthem at a kid's lacrosse game. Oscar: I can't do that. Brent: Sure you can. Just remember to sing the Canadian national anthem and not yours. Don't sing "Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light..." Oscar: I know. Brent: All right, I just don't want you to get mixed up and have the wrong song stuck in your head and start singing "O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?" Not "The rocket's red glare..." Davis: I need your help. Lacey: Ooo, is it a scheme? Davis: No, I need you to teach me how to make coffee. Hank: I thought we were a team. Wanda: Sorry Hank, but Karen's a stronger teammate. Plus, she's gonna collapse any minute now. So, I win! Karen: I'm gonna collapse? You're closer to caving than I am, you talk to licorice. Wanda: You ratted me out to the cops? Karen: In fact, I'd love some licorice. Hank: Yeah, me too. Wanda: Well then, I guess I'll just read this comic book. Karen: Good idea, Wanda. Hank: Oh yeah? Well, watch me jump around on my unsore joints. Uh-ha! I can do this for days. Wanda: I do it all the time. Oscar: Oh Canada, our home and native land... Emma: Don't you think this is too far? Brent: I think it's just far enough. Oscar: Is it "glorious and free?" Brent: Yes and not "land of the free" or "home of the brave." As in "The land of the free and the home of the brave." Not that. Lacey: So, you've never made coffee before? Well, I guess we should start from square one. But, I don't think we have time for that. It's basically one scoop per cup. Brent: Hey, there's Gordie from Stats Canada. Oscar: Oh, this is a bigger deal than I thought. Emma: Oh, don't worry, you'll be fine. The only way you could screw it up is if you sing the American national anthem. Brent: So, don't do that. Emma: This is gonna be great. We should have this on video. Brent: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna go get my camera. Emma: Don't sing, Brent's tricking you. Oscar: But I'm an American. Emma: No you're not. You just have to fill out some forms and you'll be reinstated within a couple of weeks. Oscar: Of all the jackassy, dirty, double-crossing things to do. How could a son do that to his own father? Emma: Where does he get the nerve? Karen: OK, how does this sound? I, Karen Pelly, by signing this document, officially renounce my resolution to run everyday. Hank: Great, and as you sign that I'll start reading my comic book. Wanda: I'll eat my licorice and then we can do this all again next year. Hank: Yeah OK, ready? One... Karen: Two... Wanda: Three, sign. Hank: Eat. Karen: Read. Hoo, I cannot wait to sleep in tomorrow. Wanda: Ah. Lacey: Hey, what's going on? Wanda: We had a three-way. Three-way tie. We all quit at the same time. Hank: But we still kept them longer than anyone in town. Lacey: Gee, what was my resolution again? Oh yeah, I gave up chewing gum. Hmm, when was the last time I chewed gum? Well, I guess it must have been before New Years. Wanda: You haven't broken your resolution? Lacey: I guess not. Hank: You manipulated us. Lacey: Me, no. I'm no good at i, remember? Oh well, I guess we'll have to do this all again in six months. Brent: Where's Dad? Emma: He had to go. Brent: But he's supposed to sing the national anthem. Lacrosse Convener: The game's almost ready to go. You promised me a singer. Emma: He's right here. Brent: Oh OK, I think you're taking this a bit far. Emma: I think it's just far enough. Brent: O Canada! Our home and native land! Sorry, sorry, I'm singing that to the wrong tune. Sorry, I'll start over. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early...no, nope. That's actually the American national anthem. Sorry, let me clear my head here. Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light...does ours have rockets in it? Emma: Are you getting this? Oscar: Oh, yeah. The CRTC are gonna love this. Davis: I don't know why I put off learning how to make it for so long. Karen: Well, it's really good, way better than mine. What's your secret? Brent: O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. Thank you. OK, now in French. Category:Transcripts